Corporate sponsors and PGA Tour players go together like a 5 hour rounds and municipal golf courses, they’re inseparable. Most tour players carry multiple sponsors to pull in some extra cash, pay tour expenses and have the opportunity to drive fully loaded Buick LaSabre’s.
The problem with these sponsorships is they don’t typically fit the players persona very well. Does Brian Harman actually use MegaCorp to ship freight cargo around the world? Probably not. I’ve decided to lend a hand to a number of players and brands in hopes they will see the value in their future partnership. Without further ado, lets get to the Outside The Cut: Sponsor Recommendations.
JUUL: Kiradech Aphibarnrat
Barnrat is a treasure to us all. Kiradech DGAF about vaping in the middle of rounds and there are countless pictures of him doing so. Quick heads up for the parents out there… Juul is the hot new vape brand with the kids, you should ask about it and thank me later. This partnership is a no-brainer. Juul needs that logo on the Barnrat when Getty snaps these images.
Casper: Louis Oosthuizen
Louis Oosthuizen travels to every golf tournament he plays in with a personal mattress because of back issues. His manager literally packs and ships it to wherever he is staying every week. How this hasn’t been turned into a mattress sponsorship is astounding. Casper is the obvious choice here.
Life Alert: Dustin Johnson
Dustin Johnson infamously “fell down the stairs” the night before the 2017 Masters. If you want a refresher you can read it here. Very few people actually believe that’s what happened but that’s their story and they’re sticking to it. As such, I feel that Dustin and Life Alert would make a perfect sponsorship. One of those 911 emergency necklace buttons might’ve saved him from a withdrawal at Augusta last year.
The Maury Show: Patrick Reed
This one is an absolute slam dunk. Maury thrives on controversy and there’s no golfer on tour more well equipped to provide the goods than Pat Reed. He excommunicated his own family, has few friends, was accused of countless misgivings by college teammates and loves Imagine Dragons. These two are made for each other.
Pool Troopers: Sergio Garcia
Sergio’s history of dunking countless balls in the water has become the stuff of legend. He gave everyone a spectacular reminder of that this year at Augusta. Broadcasters literally said on air they were concerned he would run out of golf balls. In order to avoid such an embarrassment Sergio needs to pick up a Pool Troopers sponsorship to have professionals on hand at all times to scoop his balls out of the water.
Crest PRO Health: Matt Kuchar
I dare you to name anyone on this earth who smiles more than Matt Kuchar. He loves to flash the pearly whites more than CBS loves a Monterrey Bay overhead panoramic. Crest needs to get in on the action before Kuch quietly stops backdooring top-10 finishes and begins missing cuts on the reg.
Extenze: Tiger “Big Cat” Woods
I’m not going to say much about this one for fear of Tiger’s legal team hunting me down and making me disappear. However, Tiger and Lindsay Vonn had some “personal” pictures leaked awhile back [which his lawyers have done a mind-blowing job erasing from the internet] and let’s just say that this sponsorship makes perfect sense.
Baby Einstein: Bryson Dechambeau
What hasn’t been said about Bryson the rocket scientist nerd? Bryson is a perfect match for Disney’s Baby Einstein brand. He wears silly hats and loves nothing more than talking about things like laminar flow and air density. He strikes me as good with kids too.
Nurtisystem: Rory McIllroy
Golf never really appreciated Rory’s fat awkward years. Looking back at all of his long haired, big belt, chubby face days are as bizarre as they are amusing. Nutrisystem (For Men) needs to fire Mike Golic and his pot roast commercials in exchange for the newly chiseled Rory McIllroy. 2018 Rory looks absolutely NOTHING like 2008 Rory. Nutrisystem needs to claim credit.
Rogaine: Tommy Fleetwood
Tommy has arguably the best flow in all of golf. While he is one of the last people that would ever need to use a product like Rogaine, he’s the perfect spokesperson to push the brand onto middle age men who are desperate to regain any semblance of the flowing locks they once had.
Selsun Blue: Jimmy Walker
If you haven’t noticed, Jimmy Walker wears all black outfits at an alarmingly high rate. Maybe it’s a Texas rancher thing? I’m not sure. Given his insistence to show up in Johnny Cash get-ups, Selsun Blue would make a nice fit. Furthermore, Selsun Blue is the afterthought of dandruff shampoos the same way the PGA Championship is the forgotten Major, which Jimmy won in 2016.
Securitas: Justin Thomas
“Was that you? Have a good day buddy, you’re gone.” Who can forget the JT / fan incident from the 2018 Honda Classic. Justin was upset a fan cheered for his ball to go in the bunker and went out of his way to have him ejected by tournament staff. He needs professional security to follow him at all times around the course to avoid situations like this going forward. Securitas is more than prepared to do the job.
Kleenex: Bubba Watson
Bubba is the resident crier on tour. I’m starting to run out of fingers counting the times Bubba has cried on national television to events related to a golf tournament. If I was Kimberly-Clark Inc. I’d be all over this deal like white on a Kleenex.
Facebook: Phil Mickelson
Phil has become synonymous with the thumbs up signal. It’s almost more a part of his brand than the spread eagle Augusta jump. Facebook has taken the thumbs up to global popularity with the Like button. Two super powers coming together and getting rid of the long sleeve dress shirts (which I secretly love) is something we can all, Like.
Meetup: Rickie Fowler
Rick has become notorious for waiting on the 18th green to congratulate his buddies on their various victories. Meetup.com is a service where you can invite people (whether you know them or not) to meet up at a certain location and time to hang out. It’s a bizarre concept but I guess people use it. This could be a nice way for Justin and Jordan to invite Rick out to their trophy presentations. Here’s a screen grab of Ricks upcoming Meetups.
O’Doul’s: Tony Finau
Most golf nuts know that Tony Finau is from Utah and like most Utahans, he’s a Mormon. This means he doesn’t drink caffeine or alcohol. O’Doul’s non-alcoholic beer would make a great sponsor for Tony. One of their advertisements said “Make decisions you won’t regret.” If they ran a commercial of him dislocating his ankle during the Masters par-3 tournament it’d be an instant success [but would still convince nobody to actually purchase O’Doul’s.
Spearmint Rhino: Jhonny Vegas
This is low-hanging fruit. Jhonny’s last name is Vegas. Let’s get the world famous Spearmint Rhino in on the action. What I would give to see Jhonny wear this hat and watch David Feherty try to not talk about it on national television…
Wise Potato Chips: Aaron Wise
Not exactly ground breaking stuff here. Wise Potato Chips and rising start Aaron Wise. The main reason I want to see this is to get an Onion & Garlic commercial of a Wise highlights which is narrated by Bill Raftery. ONIONS! DOUBLE ORDER!
Coolsculpting: Ian Poulter
There’s no joke here. Ian Poulter is actually sponsored by Coolsculpting. If you haven’t seen the commercials, Coolsculpting is a non-surgical fat freezing procedure. Ian actually tried it out to remove his double chin. You’re welcome.